i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
