Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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