a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
