discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
