I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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