my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
