I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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