conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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