It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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