need another drink. this is the easiest way
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
