he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
