Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How's work?
Spinning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize