Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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