Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
