I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
