hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
