i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
