who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
