Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
