The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
