She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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