My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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