Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
