I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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