I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
