we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
