i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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