Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If that was your dad, he is hot
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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