I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
