You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
