when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
