I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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