I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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