My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
