I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
