the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
