I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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