well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
