Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
they're like a gay fantastic four
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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