I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
