Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
