you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you traded sex for a burrito?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
