who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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