I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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