just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
