I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
