weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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