I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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