my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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