my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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