Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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