I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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