So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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