You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
