How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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