I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
