I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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