dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
