There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
