sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I haven't been this sober since birth.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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