I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
