I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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