If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize