Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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